Leaving the house of Should

25 Oct

Should…as a counselor I’ve grown to abhor this word.  It represents a standard, an expectations; that is not the problem.  The problem arises with the origin of should.  Who decides what “should” be? Ideally, it is you.  Speaking in the present helps you to live that way, its amazing the power language has, but that’s another blog for another day.  Here are tips for helping you leave the house of should:

  • Address what is.  Live/speak/think presently.  For example, if you are in a relationship and it is not going well.  You don’t want to just leave because you should be able to work things out.  Well, why?  Are you currently putting all of yourself into the relationship? Is he, currently?  If you answer “yes, but” or with any past-tense verb then the answer is “no,” and the real question is, do you believe you deserve better?
  • Choose your choice.  Make a decision and do so with the entirety of your being.  Do not look back and think woulda coulda shoulda.  It is done.  A good decision feels good before, during, and after.  Wondering if you should take that new job? Yes there are the logical: what are the benefits, is their opportunity for growth, more responsibilities, more pay, etc. But don’t forget to discern your feelings.  Does this job feel right?  Once you take it (or turn it down) then give yourself credit for making a good decision, a decision that was best for you at the time, and don’t agonize over the alternative possibilities.
  • Question the rule maker.  Who is the person who makes the rules in your life?  Who or what says you should or should not ? Take a chance every once in a while and ask yourself, “Why not?”  There’s growth on the outskirts of comfort.  Don’t be afraid to live.
  • Don’t should all over yourself.  Thinking about the shoulds too much can cause indecision and anxiety.  Sometimes, it just boils down to somatic knowledge, i.e. intuition.  When your logic leaves you stuck and frustrated, throw caution to the wind and just do what feels right.
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3 Responses to “Leaving the house of Should”

  1. Della Wilcox October 25, 2010 at 3:53 pm #

    “Should, indicating that somthing is the right thing or expressing desirability or rightness or probability.”It’s the equation of a Scienitific possibility. If I do this this should happen. How about if I try this , this may happen but if it doesn’t I’ll go back to square one. Often we forget to go back to the beginning to try new possibilities if the old way fails. Refusing to start over is what puts us in harms way. Refusing to acknowledge we made a mistake is what keeps us running into the wall of “should.” Should I continue to explain my understanding of “should.”

  2. Cleo October 26, 2010 at 3:10 am #

    in my Charlotte voice, ” I choose my choice!!!!!”

    “don’t agonize over the alternative possibilities” — This is something that is so hard, I know from my own experience and it does go back to not having the faith in choosing your choice. When I made the decision to leave my old job, I knew in my being that it was a good choice, even now even though I think of the possibility of returning, I KNOW that the decision to leave was a great one. I choose my choice.

  3. Jess J. October 27, 2010 at 3:00 pm #

    It is difficult, and it is a decision that may require daily attention..But do it until you own it with your whole body.

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