Are you IN or are you OUT

4 Nov

Remember when we were little and we picked our best friends by saying, “Hey wanna be my best friend?” We then played together on the playground, sat in our floor with Barbies and tons of outfits acting out tons of fabulously decadent scenarios.  Remember how you trusted her with your favorite earrings or your story of your first kiss? You trusted her completely, because she was your best friend, and you didn’t doubt it for a second.  Then…we grew up.

Now, remember the first time that we had a friend betray us? Our best friend developed feelings for the guy we liked “out of the blue,” or all of a sudden started to adopt your goals as her own making you more of a competitor than a friend.  Remember how it felt to second guess the friendship and ask yourself if you could trust her? And remember your mom or grandmother saying, “Mmmhmm I wouldn’t trust ____ further than I could throw her!” If only you’d just thrown her-a lot of heartache could have probably been avoided.  Call me crazy but I don’t believe that trust is something you can have a little bit of.  Its one of those things where either you trust someone, or you don’t.  You can’t trust someone with 50% of you because likely that 50% that you trust them with doesn’t matter much to you anyway.  I’d even be willing to bet that the 50% you share with them you’d tell a stranger.  That, my dear, is not trust.

Trust only movement.  Life happens at the level of events, not of words.  Trust movement.  ~Alfred Adler

What does this mean? To trust only movement? Trust actions.  People say all sorts of things, but what do they do? You can trust a (wo)man’s actions 100% of the time.  Most of the time if you have a feeling about someone, its for a reason.  Far too often we ignore small warning signs and our intuition.  Only cheaters cheat, only liars lie, and how you do anything is how you do everything.  If someone is lying to everyone in their life, they are lying to you too.  What makes you so special that they  would give you the truth over anyone else?  We like to believe that our relationship is different or we know them better than that…Do you? What have they done to make you think that?

Have you ever been betrayed by a friend you thought you could trust?  Sure you have, we all have! And having that feeling of betrayal, of abandonment, and sometimes even blows to our self-esteem (am I not worthy of friends/honesty/loyalty) can make the grief of losing a friend that much harder.  I generally work with an 18-24 population and I see this more than relationship break ups.  Learning that the people we call our friends, really aren’t is a hard and painful less, but I believe we will be all the better for it.

I would rather have 3 best friends that I can trust completely than 30 I couldn’t tell a secret to in confidence.  What is the point? As we get older, we realize that quality is more important that quality, and we move back to that feeling we had as little girls-we just want a friend to dream with, laugh with, who will keep our secrets.

When I see a girl in a group of venomous friends, I question her self-dialog.  Do birds of a feather flock together? Mentally and emotionally, YES! While all of your friends may sleep around and you don’t, its likely that all of you have underlying issues of low self esteem and needing a man for validation.  The way the problem manifests may be different, but the core is the same.  Therefore, surround yourself with people who feel like you want to feel on the inside.  If you notice that your friends do things that you don’t approve of, ask yourself if you are doing the same thing in a different way.

What do YOUR friends say about YOU?


One Response to “Are you IN or are you OUT”


  1. Tweets that mention Are you IN or are you OUT « Black Girl, Cry -- - November 4, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Miss Lucy, Jess Dubb, obviously. Jess Dubb, obviously said: Are you IN or are you OUT: […]

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